Dear Helen,

What is the matter with that silly rag Cosmopolitan? Ostensibly written for women – but the staff have to be men, or they wouldn’t exhibit such absurd notions about what turns a woman on.

I was just flipping through “The Twenty Hottest Guys of 2010.” Now, the issue may be a year old, and as we all know – a man who is hot in one year may be entirely withered the next. The years twenty-three to twenty-four are crucial, in that respect – that is when the six pack abs wilt into a beginning beer belly, the hair line starts to recede ever so imperceptibly, and something so intangible as the flower of his youth seems to fade.

But, of course, not even in 2010 was Cory Monteith hot, or Daniel Radcliffe, or, God help us all, Prince William of England. These poor lads are too young for me, anyway. I have an unfortunate penchant for older men with personality disorders – which doesn’t mean I don’t like the young, but only for their physical qualities. When these are absent, the situation is hopeless.

And, good Lord – Matthew Morrison? Russell Brand?

No healthy woman would display such questionable taste. I’m not fooled by the writer’s comments “God, what a smokin’ cast!” and “wouldn’t you die to be that [his] girl?” And what about this? “Early in his career, a casting team told his agent that Bradley wasn’t “f**kable.” We’d be more than willing to prove them wrong.”

Now I’m certain Cosmo is written by men. Always thought Bradley Cooper could be a boy’s boy…

It was Joanie who sent these Cosmo’s to me – that girl has no sense, sometimes. If she has to fill her days with reading cheap rags, at least let it be something female-oriented.

Love,

Lisa

Dear Julie,

I don't have a lot of time, but in my spare moments I sometimes glance at Wimbledon. Can you believe the BBC? They're showing the entire Murray match, while ignoring Nadal's quarter-final! This shows unbelievable contempt for their female viewers.

Can't believe Murray is allowed on the courts, anyway - hideous body hair in the wrong places (on his throat!), untanned, unpretty...I thought tennis was a spectator sport!

Love,

Lisa

Dear Helen,

Thank God Nadal won, today.

He had a slight injury, in the first set, and stretched his magnificent legs out for the trainer. As a result, one could study these legs up close. (A purely aesthetic pleasure for me, of course.)

The atrocity about tennis has been, since many years, the change from normal short shorts (as God meant them to be) to the hideous baggy things the boys drape over their rectus femoris and gracilis muscles, these days. (No, dear, the ‘rectus’ in rectus femoris has nothing to do with what you’re thinking.)

Aren’t the sponsors worried about losing the female audience?

But you know how I always recover from the disappointments in my life. Especially when that splendid specimen of a Spaniard arrived on the scene – excuse the alliteration. What a thoroughly deserving physique! You know how I am normally a leg woman, and his are simply commendable. I’m also, to some extent, a chest woman – and I will go on the record as saying that Rafi’s chest, revealed when he changes into a clean t-shirt, is entirely beyond reproach.

Just the right amount of hair – too little chest hair induces sadness in me, as you know – but too much of it can put one entirely off one’s feed. Remember Sam Gotthardt? Daniel went to Greece with him, last year. They shared a hotel room, and when Sam undressed, Daniel found himself thinking: “Could evolution be true, after all?”

Our descent from apes  (oh goodness, wouldn’t Faber scream at me – “there’s only a common ancestor”; but I don’t care much for such academic distinctions), our descent from apes, I say, should not be too obvious in a man. Don’t you rather agree? It’s been proven, incidentally, that we have on average 4% of Neanderthal blood in our veins. Averages don’t mean much – I’m quite sure I have none, and that some people are close to 99%. I won’t mention names – but don’t you think it’s time to trade Scott in for a newer model, dear?

Anyway, Helen – Burke is genuinely worried I will try to get a date with Nadal. I suppose the dear man still thinks of me as 23 – isn’t that lovely? Mind you, I could still beat that young Spanish girl of Nadal’s, hands down. But I prefer not to.

I adore boys. But the truth of the matter is, and don’t ever tell Burke, that I can fall, emotionally, only for older men with personality disorders. And these days, I’m just not so sure that I feel like having sex without ‘feelings’. Well – now and then, of course, but not on a daily basis.

Incidentally – I haven’t yet cheated on Burke. What is the appropriate time, in a relationship, when one should start thinking about doing that? I always feel it’s rather de rigueur to observe a certain period of exclusivity, a little time set aside for one’s mate, only. But at 8 months into this thing, I’m getting a little jumpy…

Love,

Lisa

Dear Carmen,

Well, have I ever! You remember Otto, my German lover of…well, absolute ages ago? Having never really gotten over me (so tedious when they don’t!) he sends me pictures, now and then, of his boys. And the oldest of these – well, you should see his photo! Did that boy suddenly blossom, in the past few years…It’s Otto, only much younger and with a divine body. Exactly as I’d always wished Otto looked. I daresay I wouldn’t have broken up with him if he had been in the shape that boy of his is in.

But what do you think? Typical German lack of a sense of humor! I wrote a message to young Dieter – he has a Facebook page, and I thought he might like to hear that a woman who knows a little bit about the world finds him attractive. You know how these 16 year olds are – they can be so shy, and so troubled about their acne, can’t they. Of course Dieter doesn’t have acne, or I wouldn’t have written to him. I mean, what would I have said, in that case? 

So, just to lift his pubescent spirits, I flirted a little with the lad, made some quite muted remarks about his bodily qualities, and I suppose I suggested he learn the ropes from an older woman like myself – in jest, actually. I have far too much on my plate to put up with an insecure teen right now.

However, Otto took the matter completely seriously, and wrote me to say “Do not ever contact my sons again”, with a CC to his lawyers! I was furious. It’s not even as if I did it for myself…Can’t a person be nice to another person, without all hell breaking loose? Really, I’m amazed at German prudishness. One wonders how they procreate.

Oh well! Love for now, my darling, from

Lisa