Dearest Ellen,

Just got into a huge fight with Joanie. My god, she can be so unreasonable, so infuriatingly irrational! I'd like to give her a good flogging. This is one of the worst crises in our friendship, and at the moment I'm not sure I ever wish to speak to her again.

Rafa lost, at Wimbledon. You probably already know this - I was quite crushed, personally, but you know I don't like to focus on dark feelings, so I daresay I would have dealt with it bravely. But when I talked to Joanie to get a little consolation, a little milk of human kindness, that wretched girl said she thought Nadal's opponent, one Lukas Rosol or something, won deservedly. Not only that, but she said that Nadal had been unsporting when he bumped Rosol during the change-over.

 I saw the bump. The two had to walk past each other, and Nadal sort of stuck out his elbow and the Czech walked into it.

 How is that Nadal's fault? It's perfectly possible the guy hurt Nadal's magnificent elbow, which I should deeply resent. Also, even if Nadal had been to blame for the incident (but in my point of view, the Czech was out to hurt Nadal's magnificent body out of jealousy), wouldn't he have had a good reason to do so? 

Apparently, not according to Joanie. I told her that the Rosol lad may have scowled, or walked in an irritating manner (you know how much Peter used to infuriate me, with his effeminate scuttle), and Nadal was understandably annoyed. And that, as the higher ranked player, he had a right to pass before lesser man, anyway.

 She maintained that Rafa had been "unsporting" and said Rosol was a lovely young man with a modest personality. Whatever! I find him much less attractive than Nadal, and culpably so since it is clear he doesn't work on developing his physique, and as tennis is a spectator sport, the most georgeous man deserves, if not to win, than certainly to push the homelier ones about a bit. Anyone who takes Nadal's side in this matter is probably a latent lesbian. I think Joanie should sort her sexuality out, before exasperating me with her belligerent opinions.

 I've quite lost my appetite for the day.

 Lisa

Dearest Joanie,

It's a disgrace! Soon, international travel will be entirely impossible for me. Except in Burke's 20 mph Westfalia camper, I suppose.

I was at the airport, today - leaving Schiphol (Amsterdam) for Macedonia. It's absurd enough to make me go through the metal detector - one look at me should suffice to realize I'm not the terrorist type, even for those customs fools. There should be more profiling. Positive profiling, I'd like to call it. Where people like me simply wouldn't have to do any passport control and could just wait in a pleasant lounge, with a drink, to be taken straight into the airplane. And off again right past customs in the country of destination.

I gracefully went through the metal detector - both in terms of my rather sophisticated clothes and walk (you would be horrified to see what most travellers wear! Track suits and slip on shoes, and yet they don't get profiled) and of my not making a scene. "These people are only doing their jobs," I said to myself, smiling through gritted teeth.

And then this horrible type, some uniformed customs wench, began to touch my body after the very shortest of introductions. She felt me up all over, concentrating mainly on my breasts, which she visited several times. I was appalled. I believe this is called "gate rape". I had an impulse to slap her face, but managed to restrain myself. All I said, with supernatural calm, was: "I would like this procedure to be performed by a man. I believe that is within my rights."

She said nothing, and I was released. I suppose she realized I meant business. A woman should be patted down by a male officer, and vice versa. That's standard regulations. What happened here was outrageous, and Schiphol will have to answer for it. I am going to raise media awareness about this issue.

And now for a large drink.

Lisa