Dear Joanie,

Dom is going to plead ‘not guilty’, on Monday. I mean Dominique Strauss-Kahn, of course. You know I’d never expected this of him? I knew him during my brief Parisian stint. He was quite fun to be with. I remember once at a social do he suggested we go into the Salle Henri Désiré Landru, adjoining the reception area, because of the marvellous paintings there.

Whenever a man has asked me to go into any room with him, it always ended in steamy groping, that goes with the territory. But this kerfuffle was too much even for my tastes. I slapped his face hard. If you think that stopped him, you don’t know French men. When those clammy socialist fingers went for my décolleté, I took off my high heel and rammed it you-know-where.

That was the end of the matter, there and then. A few minutes later we were conversing animatedly again in the Salle Philippine de Rothschild. And not half an hour later, another important politician asked me to come look at the paintings in the Salle Landru with him. That’s how it goes, in France! I said yes, by the way.

Love,

Lisa

Dearest Joanie,

So, Nadal won his 6th Roland Garros, last night. What a pity I don’t live in Paris anymore! I’d have taken the boy out on the town, for an evening he’d never forget. Although – well, now that I’m with Burke  (a not necessarily very fortunate relic of that same Parisian period, if you’ll forgive my putting it so uncharitably), I’m not really supposed to wine and dine gorgeous 24 year olds.

I quite see the logic in that, I must say. You know I don’t believe in monogamy, but when I’m with a man who is very adamant about the subject, I do try not to hurt his feelings by shagging some nubile hottie. On the other hand, an older man with indifferent physique is fair game, I feel. Not that I’ve discussed it with Burke, or with most of my better halves, but it would be absurd to call a night out with somebody very ordinary, with an ordinary body, cheating. Don’t you rather agree? I mean, how could one’s partner possibly be jealous? I don’t think it’s genuinely cheating unless you put your heart and soul into it, I always say. And that is such a rare thing with me, as you know.

I shouldn’t watch those tennis matches. It’s insupportable, as the French say – you see this perfectly built child-man sweating and running around rippling his perfect muscles, and the next moment you look at your own partner, and…Well, I don’t mean to be unkind. But one does tend to compare, doesn’t one? I’ve been urging Burke to go to a gym, but I should be realistic. I suppose it’s hopeless. At his advanced age they just can’t do the Nadal shape, can they, even if they work at it 8 hours every day. Which I'm just certain he will refuse to do, when asked. Stupid Mediterranean stubbornness.

More later!

Lisa

Dear Carmen,

Well, have I ever! You remember Otto, my German lover of…well, absolute ages ago? Having never really gotten over me (so tedious when they don’t!) he sends me pictures, now and then, of his boys. And the oldest of these – well, you should see his photo! Did that boy suddenly blossom, in the past few years…It’s Otto, only much younger and with a divine body. Exactly as I’d always wished Otto looked. I daresay I wouldn’t have broken up with him if he had been in the shape that boy of his is in.

But what do you think? Typical German lack of a sense of humor! I wrote a message to young Dieter – he has a Facebook page, and I thought he might like to hear that a woman who knows a little bit about the world finds him attractive. You know how these 16 year olds are – they can be so shy, and so troubled about their acne, can’t they. Of course Dieter doesn’t have acne, or I wouldn’t have written to him. I mean, what would I have said, in that case? 

So, just to lift his pubescent spirits, I flirted a little with the lad, made some quite muted remarks about his bodily qualities, and I suppose I suggested he learn the ropes from an older woman like myself – in jest, actually. I have far too much on my plate to put up with an insecure teen right now.

However, Otto took the matter completely seriously, and wrote me to say “Do not ever contact my sons again”, with a CC to his lawyers! I was furious. It’s not even as if I did it for myself…Can’t a person be nice to another person, without all hell breaking loose? Really, I’m amazed at German prudishness. One wonders how they procreate.

Oh well! Love for now, my darling, from

Lisa